Dec 17, 2012

Tonight I've Got Nothing

I started writing this afternoon, and I've got nothing.  I deleted it all.  Twice.  It's all negative, it's about the hurricane, about the terrible, heartbreaking tragedy in Newtown, and most of all, it's about a girl.  It's always about a girl.

And I can't.  I won't use this space to point fingers, to lament, to send cryptic messages.  It's a waste of time.  She doesn't want you, Ron.  All the other stuff - the shitty secondary storylines, the ironies and the bad karma, the other characters involved - they don't matter.

She doesn't want you.  Stay away.

I've heard myself say that about two different women in my life over the past two years, and neither of them were my ex-wife.  I've heard every single person who knows and loves me give me the same advice, whether I wanted to hear it or not.  Move on.  She's not worth it.  It's tough love.  It makes you wonder about the choices you make, when you can't find a solitary soul out there who thinks you should fight.

There is another woman in my world who I have those butterflies for, who I've secretly admired for awhile now, and I will ignore her too.  Because I don't trust my romantic choices anymore, I don't know when to fight, or what I'm even fighting for anymore.  And I certainly don't trust women.  Romance has become a giant scar, like this stupid mole that started growing on the left side of my head last year.  I had it removed and it grew back, only bigger this time.  Some scars you can't cut out, some feelings you can't flip off like a light switch.  I'm not looking to save someone anymore, I'm looking to be saved.  My intentions are good, my heart is true, and I have a lot to offer.  I come equipped with a bow and an arrow.  But my aim has been way off.  So I'm putting mine away.

It doesn't matter that I will be without someone on Christmas, on New Year's.  It doesn't matter that this girl will have a ring on her finger by then.  It's already over.  This is just the shitty aftermath, plus a bonus shitty hurricane.  The hurricane taught me that I need to focus on what I have rather than what I don't have.  But somehow, the hurricane has always been secondary.  Even when it was happening, it was secondary to my broken heart.  But I'll still focus on what I have, and for a guy in my waterlogged shoes, I still have a lot.  I'm alive and I'm still in the game.  I still have a chance to find a mate, to figure it all out, to body slam this shitty part of my life.  I still have a chance to create opportunities.  It will happen.  Someone will recognize that no one else matters but me and I will reward her for it in spades.  I have to believe that, it's all I have left.

Be patient, Ron.  You've gotta be patient.  You'll have your day.  But not tonight.  Tonight I've got nothing.

This is such a scary and mysterious time in our collective lives, a holiday season marred by national tragedies.  But no matter what time of year it is, no matter how much bad shit has happened, life goes on.  And it's fragile times like these where the only sense of comfort - the only thing that matters - is having each other, having someone to hold on to.

If you are so fortunate to have that in your life tonight, make sure you hold on tight.  You never know when it might slip away.  For those of us not as fortunate.....tomorrow is another day.

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