Nov 12, 2017

The Paper Heart

The Paper Heart blew up to me in the park.
The Paper Heart flew up to me in the park.
I was walkin my dog, it was just before dark
When a piece of paper with a heart cut open the scar.
The Paper Heart blew up to me in the park.
The Paper Heart flew up to me in the park.
I was walkin my dog, it was just before dark
When a piece of paper with a heart 
ignited a spark
In you.

Reignited a spark in you.
There's a light deep inside of you.
I'll keep on tryin til I turn blue.
Keep on burning til I break through.
Yeah this is what I'm supposed to do.

It blew up to me on the night of my show, a year ago today.
A show I had booked for a lot of reasons, but mostly to impress her.

I was walking Buttons in the park across the street from my place and it floated right over to us like that stupid plastic bag in American Beauty.  I picked it up - an 8 1/2" x 11" sheet of white paper, slightly weathered, with an illustrated red heart filling most of its space - and I thought of her.  In that moment, I had a feeling that I wouldn't see her that night.

But somehow, I still felt hope.

The wind carried it to me that day, a heart that came from out of nowhere, at the beginning of a very uncertain time - not just for her or for me but for everyone.  An uncertain time that still remains, and reminds us how precious finding a quality heart in this crazy-ass world can be.

I returned to my apartment to drop off my dog and taped the paper heart onto my wall, then left to play the show.

When is the timing ever perfect?  When does love just fly over to you and to the object of your affection at an identical moment?  When do the best things in life not come with patience and sacrifice and effort and work?

The show would go well - there were a lot of people there that I cared about, every face in there mattered.  There were a lot of reasons to perform that night, not just The Biggest Reason.  It was worth it - the journey, the experience.  Facing the anxiety head-on.  Restoring confidence in my own abilities.  And this story - our story - was at the middle of it all.  Intentionally or not, it was playing its part.

I walked offstage feeling grateful, wanting more. 

There would be more songs and more stories, the paper heart taking its new spot at the middle of my piano.  Which is where it still sits, as a daily reminder that sometimes you don't go looking for magic, sometimes it comes looking for you.

Those songs and stories became another album.  And now.... another show.
A year later, things are..... trending upward.

Why didn't I crumple that heart up, toss it in the trash?  Why didn't I just give up?  Because that's not me, that's not who I have become.  I'm gonna believe.  I'm gonna keep climbing.  I'm gonna follow my heart.  It feels like a challenge sometimes.  During moments that are becoming rarer, it feels impossible.  But it feels good, to pursue your best self.  To maybe even draw that light out of someone else, to inspire them to glow.  All that light can generate a lot of heat.  It feels real.  It feels right.... and if it's really right....

There's nothing else.

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